I love you, and I intend nothing wrong but since I couldn’t speak all of this to you, I am writing it.
Why is it that when one wants a room to breathe, some space to relax, and time to think, analyze and opine, one is not allowed that? Why is it that we are floundering in the deluge of facts, in the ‘dos and don’ts’, without being able to extract their essence, without being able to opine or comment on them? Why do we do things because we have to, not because we want to? Why have we turned so mechanical, so normative? Why do we fear our society so much? Why can’t we simply embrace what we like and shove off what we don’t? Why do we wait for other’s reaction? Why are our actions a barometer adjusted to beget optimal reactions!? Why are the ideas of ‘(life)partner’, ‘power’ and ‘pelf’ allowed to permeate in our lives deep enough to define us, enough to become the yardstick of our success?
I don’t say that I would live without a partner the whole of my life, or that I would regale in my penury or that I would love being prostrated every time. But I do maintain that an obsession with any one of the three simply tips off the scales of balance of my mind. More so, when that obsession dawns on people you don’t care about, and when that obsession dawns on them earlier than expected.
I heard you talking to these people the other day .Why is it that the moment you attain a certain age these very people start scouting for grooms for you? Have they given up all other work that they have ever had, that they are taking such penchant in settling you down? Why don’t these few good men (and women) realize then I don’t want to be butchered so soon (considering I cannot escape the butchery forever, but I need to grow older to collect some nerves to face the carnage). Please understand that I am still a little girl, who is not mature enough to handle a husband who wouldn’t get up on time,wouldn't be receptive and considerate, wouldn’t cook food for himself (forget about cooking for me), and wouldn’t take care of himself. I cannot do any of those things for self, how will I shoulder his burden! What will I do with him? More relevantly what will I do with 'us'? The meaningless 'us'! There will be an utter mess and an utter discord. The icing on the cake being, I wouldn't be able to attach any blame on him for our state of affairs. It's not his fault either,when it's not mine!
Getting married, simply put, scares me! There is some psychological dent that makes me apprehend entering into it. I love my freedom, I love my dignity and I love my self respect.They are synonymous to my existence.I cannot throw it outside the window all in one go.
And then there are some people who say that love is the most beautiful thing on earth; I have never been able to identify with this feeling. All the love that I have ever had has been your love, the feeling of some different love eludes me. I would be a fool sacrificing all this for a stranger, a total stranger! I am sorry dad, but I am not brave enough to make such sacrifices! (For now, at least)
I cannot put my freedom on the anvil for any damn douche on this planet. I am not an epitome of sacrifice, nor am I an embodiment of tolerance. I rebel when meted with injustice, I speak when suppressed; I am anything but an ideal Indian woman of any ideal Indian household. I am simply very antagonistic to what a ‘husband' would expect out of me, at least for now. I know this maybe impertinent and brazen , and maybe selfish too but then ,this is me( For now, at least). All I know is that I don't want to be unjust and unfair to anyone, because this is not what you have taught me!
And I have still not learnt the art of ‘counterattitudinal role playing’, enough to last the whole of my life.
I hope you will understand me, the way you always have; I hope you will understand that my reasons do not lie in ‘I won’t’ but ‘I can’t’.
PS: And don't listen to those aunties and uncles who are constantly trying to fill your ears :P. Bear with me for some more time, and I promise to grow up. Promise!